Dear Red Wine,
One day while driving home from work my boyfriend and I pulled up behind a car.
A car that had a sticker on the back that read "don't beep, baby on board".
Now I understand that people might have to have a "baby on board" sticker so that if there's a car crash or the car unexpectedly bursts into flames then the firemen or policemen will then know to look for this precious bundle of joy.
However, I could not help but wonder, where did those parents get off expecting people not to beep just because their little angel was asleep.
Now I was prepared to just have that mini rant in my head and let it go, until my boyfriend pointed it out.
And in pointing it out he unleashed the fury.
Seriously, though, when you live in a huge city with what feels like a billion cars hurtling down motorways, speeding through urban streets and racing round roundabouts, how can you expect people not to beep?? What shall we do if we see another car about to crash into us? Shall we whisper ever so quietly "excuse me, but I fear you haven't used your side mirrors or looked over your shoulder before merging into my lane as it seems you're about to do a thousand dollars worth of damage to my car". Or perhaps we should hold up a sign saying "please don't break suddenly again for no reason as i'm scared that next time I will run into your cars bum and potentially have my legs crushed by my steering column".
On top of that, if they're so serious about their baby not waking up from it's peaceful little sleep, what the hell are they doing bringing it into the middle of the city!?!!?! Loonies rant on side corners, hormone ridden teens yell at each other saying things like "see you later" or "you love so n so" or "i'm going to f****n punch you if you don't shut up", people with too much cash and not enough brains rock round in souped up cars with the bass pumping so loud your own car vibrates in a nearly pleasurable way. ... my point being: a baby could sleep through all of that ruckus, but it could not sleep through one harmless little beep?
A harmless little beep that could be used to save that little baby from being whammed into by another car???
Fine then. Baby on board, don't beep. When i see that truck not seeing you while crossing into the next lane, I'll make extra sure i pay attention to your officious little sign and do exactly what it says.
I won't beep.
"A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips".
When i was 16 those portentous words were spoken to me by a workmate in her 30's at a store I was working in.
I was probably munching through another bag of chips or more McDonalds at the time.
And when she mentioned those words to be how I did scoff, in between scoffing back the food. I was NEVER like going to gain weight. I didn't like gain weight now despite all the delicious crap i eat, so there was no way i was going to like ever gain weight in the future. I mean like, she might, like, totally gain weight, but like, there was totally no way that was ever like going to happen to me.
Sigh.
16 year old Kellie, there's a reason that with age comes wisdom, apparently, and there's a reason that you should respect your elders.
Because the day that I turned 25 something mysterious happened to my metabolism. It started to slowly disappear. And every year it appeared to retract further from my body. It was like some black hole was sucking it from me.
And it wasn't til I gained a good eight kilograms that i realised something had to be done. Did I stop eating crap? Hell no! Did I start exercising? Double hell no!! Did i just eat less crap? Yes. And for a while in my late 20's that worked. Then 29 hit and love hit and love fat hit and BAM back to 64kgs. So unfair. And this time no amount of eating less crap would work. I had to break out the big guns. The fruit and vege troops were called in to accompany the skinless chicken and mostly fat free red meat I had introduced into my diet.
But did this work? A little. But not so much.
It turns out the big guns aren't always big enough,. Sometimes you have to call in a nuclear bomb. Or as I call it, exercise.
Like a maniac I worked out. Walking here. Getting on a cross trainer there. Giving myself carpet burn everytime I did a pushup or a situp or a sit-still-and-wish-to-die.
And despite the healthy eating, despite the exercise, i couldn't seem to nudge more than a kg off the bod.
Admittedly the sneaky burger and tidbit of chocolate here and there didn't help, but one would think 40 minutes of hard out exercise a day would do something!
Double sigh.
So today I have all but given up. I do a bit of exercise when I feel like it. I still try and eat well, but I see no point in not eating the things I enjoy. The weight seems to be holding at a steady yet unmentionable number. And while I wish i had paid more attention to my elder, wiser coworker of years past. I think of all the burgers and chocolate and lollies and fizzy I consumed while maintaining my weight. And I think that nine years of dieting versus a lifetime of gluttony and curviness was worth it.
A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, and oh what wonderfully happy hips they are.
