The Lady Girl Debate

The other day I was about to text a friend to say happy birthday.
It was her 32nd birthday.
And what I was going to write was:  Happy Birthday lovely girl.

Then I thought, hold on, at 32 you're not really a girl.  I mean, you are because you've got the girly double X chromosome thing happening, but you're not this young thing who makes daisy chains and plays with dolls.  You're actually a woman.  But Happy Birthday lovely woman just sounds wrong.  Then I thought about writing "Happy Birthday lovely lady".  But that just sent shivers of revulsion down my spine.

For some reason whenever I hear someone calling a woman a lady I imagine a creepy old man who is out on the prowl.  His hair slicked back, wearing a leather jacket, cheap polyester trousers and fake snakeskin shoes.  "Evening ladies", he says slickly "can I buy you a drink?".  And he works his way round the bar hoping that if he buys enough "ladies" a drink then one of them will go home with him.  The flaw in that theory though, is that no real lady would go home with a man like that.

But does context come into it?  I mean, if my 82 year old nanna called me a good girl I'd be fine with that, but if a 48 year old male colleague called me a good girl I'd want to throw every single toy I'd ever played with at him.  And if someone were to say that I'd grown into a fine woman I'd feel proud.  But I'd hate for them to say that you'd grown into a fine lady.

So I've decided that the best way to battle through this minefield is to not say girl or lady or woman.  From now on everyone will be darl.  Which makes me sound sort of Australian and possibly uneducated, but I don't care.  I'd rather be called a dumb Australian than a well spoken, shudder, lady.